Here's to the words I'm dying to text, but remain internalized.

I knew this was doomed before liftoff. I chose to take the plunge.
To willingly set sail on a vessel I knew was destined to sink before leaving shore.

I chose to take the fall.

I chose to leave myself raw, available.

It's proof to myself that there's still emotions floating around inside of me.
That I can still allow myself to open up to those who don't deserve it.
Become vulnerable, even if only for a moment.
Waking up from one of these moments feels like when you jerk out of a dream,
and your whole body locks in place.

The truth is, it's okay to allow yourself to feel. To hope.

To wish for something bigger than yourself.
And you give the best of yourself and everything you've got and sometimes that just isn't even enough.

But I promise, there's someone out there who will love every scar,
every tattoo, every mark that makes you YOU. Irresistible, desirable you.

Through this process you weed out those who can't see you for more
than a "backpocket girlfriend." The ones who reach out when bored, or needing an ego boost.

Wising up to that is much easier than believing you'll ever be more,
because the only way you find yourself in these situations
is you ALLOWED yourself to become that.

It hurts, but it's truth.


So you fight the inevitable pain to come,
knowing how the story ends before you even pull the book down off the shelf.
You know in your heart it's wrong, but you do it anyway.
"Because any connection to him, even through text, is better then none at all?"

How can someone who's made such an impact on my life have felt so little about me all along? 

Yet you told me that night, in your room,
bodies entwined and a moment away from what could have been both of our downfalls.
"We can't do this." you said as you looked away. "I've made many mistakes before."

Wait. What?

And you honestly think for a moment that I haven't?
Believing this could become something slightly tangible was my first mistake.
Again, and again. Another night after another. 

Yet I'm the only one burned.

I chose to ignore your warnings. That was my ultimate mistake.

But to close myself off, and never feel another shred of love or connection to another human being again.
That feels like it would be a much greater mistake than any we could possibly make tonight.
 
 if fear is the only thing holding you back, then impulse must be the one thing propelling me forward.

Perhaps even hope.

 I guess we'll never know.